I Thought Everyone Had the Same Instinct When Someone They Love Is Laid Off. Our Friends Proved Me Very Wrong.

Dear Prudence Help! I Wrote to Prudie for Advice and Laura Helmuth Answered. The workplace advice columnist answers your questions. Advice by Laura Helmuth April 28, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo courtesy Laura Helmuth. Copy Link Share Share Comment Copy Link Share Share Comment This special edition is part of our Guest Prudie series, where we ask smart, thoughtful people to step in as Prudie for the day and give you advice. Laura Helmuth is a columnist for Slate’s Good Job advice column about workplace issues and a freelance consultant, editor, and writer. We asked Helmuth to weigh in on unemployed friends, property disputes, and apologies: Dear Prudence, My husband, “Kenny,” and I have been very close friends with “Ron” and “Stacy” for over a decade and often say they’re more like our cousins than just friends. We vacation together every year, and their parents usually invite us over for holidays as our families live far away. Something that has always really worked for our friendship is that each pairing in our group has a specific friendship; it’s not just that Stacy and I are friends, and our husbands hang out sometimes, too. Ron and I are both go-getter business owners, and we always plan our travel together, while my husband and Stacy are more free-spirited, artistic types who just go with the flow. I had a sudden realization about something, though, that has kind of unsettled me. Stacy lost her job about six months ago, and I’ve been working with her on a plan for a new business offering. I also hired her with my company to do some contract work for us. She thanked me profusely, and my instinct was to say, “Of course, and I know you would do the same for us.” But then I realized that they very much had the opportunity to do the same for us and didn’t. Kenny was laid off a few years ago and spent about two years super underemployed. This really strained our lives, and Ron and Stacy heard all about it from both of us. I asked Ron at some point to hire him to pour beer and change kegs at one of his restaurants, and Ron gave me a noncommittal answer that Kenny would have to ask his bar manager. Nothing ever came of it, and Kenny eventually found a new position. Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement I know that any reasonable person would say that mixing business and friendship is tricky and that anyone has the right to decline to do it, but I can’t shake the feeling of being hurt. We’re always saying that Ron and I are the same person, and Stacy and Kenny are the same person—but when Ron and I both had the opportunity to offer a fairly low-stakes life raft to the other, he didn’t take it. I’m not sure this warrants a conversation of any kind with them, as it is, again, their choice. I just need to find a way to work with this feeling, and I’m not sure where to start. —No Tit for Tat Dear No Tit for Tat, I’m sorry you realized that you and Ron are not the same person in a way that dredged up residual pain. You and Kenny had two stressful, lean years, and it must still ache to think back on the time when he was unemployed. If it helps ease your disappointment in Ron, I think the situations are different in important ways. Ron presumably owns a restaurant, and it would have been inappropriate to pressure the bar manager, who is his subordinate, to hire a friend. (And we often see how doing so harms the relationships between employees and their bosses over on Good Job.) It takes a lot of practice and…

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